It’s a common question: “How do you handle being a doula when you have young kids?”
Short, non-interview answer: Some days I have No. Freaking. Clue.
But, for the purpose of this conversation, let’s pretend we are in an interview, albeit a casual one. Let’s pretend you’re the potential client. Why would you ever want to hire a doula who has young children at home? That must be compromising, right? I mean, she’ll need to find a babysitter before she can get to you in labor, and if you call her at her house, it will probably be too noisy for in-depth conversation. Besides, what if she’s breastfeeding?
Before we delve into this, let’s get one point out of the way: There are excellent doulas and midwives at each and every stage of life. Personally, I’ve been cared for midwives who never had children and by others who were well past childbearing age. They’ve all been wonderful. So I’m not going to try to convince you that you should hire a birth worker who has small children at home. I do, however, want to highlight a few reasons why doing so is a viable option and, in some cases, the perfect choice.
Five Reasons Mommies Make Good Doulas:
1. They are experts at multi-tasking. You’re in active labor. You are about to vomit but haven’t found a hair elastic, you’re supposed to be signing consent forms, the medical assistant is waiting to take your blood pressure, and your partner is on the phone with his parents three feet away from you. It’s noisy, distracting, and overwhelming, and now there’s a contraction coming on. Your doula is unfazed. She breathes with you through the next contraction as she puts your hair in a ponytail, stashes the pen in her pocket, asks the MA to wait one more minute, and shoots your husband a glance of reassurance. Because doing five things at once is second nature.
2. Bodily fluids don’t bother them. Poop, puke, blood, snot. She has daily contact with at least two of these, maybe more. When you call to say you're in labor, she probably has the marks from some of them on her clothes already. (Don’t worry, she'll change before leaving the house.) Come transition, yours will not gross her out, promise.
3. They are in a constant state of triage. Mothers of young children spend nearly all their waking moments, and some of their sleeping ones, determining what requires immediate attention, what can wait until later, and what’s a lost cause. Your doula doesn’t expect you to have the perfect labor any more than she expects herself to raise perfect children. (If a doula candidate tells you otherwise, run.) Instead, she knows how to prioritize and how to help you do the same. This skill is vital when it comes to understanding your birth plan, translating it into real life, and helping you navigate decisions in labor. Say you want to remain upright and active, but have been advised that your baby needs continuous electronic fetal monitoring. What happens to your plan? Your doula can help you identify the pros and cons of monitoring, brainstorm positions that will work with gravity in spite of limitations, and determine which elements of your preferences still apply and are worth the extra effort. When raising kids, days rarely go according to plan, so your doula is accustomed to working with Plan "B."
4. They are masters of mediation and negotiation. If your birth preferences disagree with hospital protocol, it can be tempting to fall into a mindset of “us versus them.” A contrary attitude can be very detrimental to labor progress, so a good doula will instead emphasize collaboration over conflict. She will help your family and hospital providers work together to achieve the desired outcomes (happy, healthy, empowered parents, not just “healthy mom, healthy baby”), and in doing so she is careful to validate everyone’s feeling and viewpoints without losing sight of the end goal. Some day, when you look back on your labor and feel amazed by your doula’s abilities in this area, you can thank her children that she has the daily opportunity to hone her mediation skills. (Eight times since writing this post’s first sentence, and counting.)
5. Their lifestyles are logistical nightmares, and that should tell you something important. You’re right about one thing: On-call childcare is always stressful. Keeping breast pump pieces washed and ready is a hassle, dropping off a car seat with her spouse is annoying. Missing a child’s performance or big game is heartbreaking. When she comes home, she may be handed a baby or toddler as she's told, “He cried for you all night long.” Oh, and she probably won’t come home after an overnight birth and sleep; that will have to wait. No, living on call while parenting young children is definitely not easy, and there are other jobs that would be much better suited to her stage of life and domestic responsibilities. So if your doula is willing to go to this much trouble, you can rest assured that she is profoundly dedicated to her work and that she really, really, really loves her clients.
The truth is, giving birth is strikingly similar to your upcoming years of mothering: It’s usually chaotic, sometimes stressful, rarely pretty, never easy. You might feel like you’re failing even when you’re not; sometimes, it will feel impossible. But you’ll press through anyway, because forward is the only option. When you do, your doula will be with you. Not just because she’s been there, but because she lives there.
Short, non-interview answer: Some days I have No. Freaking. Clue.
But, for the purpose of this conversation, let’s pretend we are in an interview, albeit a casual one. Let’s pretend you’re the potential client. Why would you ever want to hire a doula who has young children at home? That must be compromising, right? I mean, she’ll need to find a babysitter before she can get to you in labor, and if you call her at her house, it will probably be too noisy for in-depth conversation. Besides, what if she’s breastfeeding?
Before we delve into this, let’s get one point out of the way: There are excellent doulas and midwives at each and every stage of life. Personally, I’ve been cared for midwives who never had children and by others who were well past childbearing age. They’ve all been wonderful. So I’m not going to try to convince you that you should hire a birth worker who has small children at home. I do, however, want to highlight a few reasons why doing so is a viable option and, in some cases, the perfect choice.
Five Reasons Mommies Make Good Doulas:
1. They are experts at multi-tasking. You’re in active labor. You are about to vomit but haven’t found a hair elastic, you’re supposed to be signing consent forms, the medical assistant is waiting to take your blood pressure, and your partner is on the phone with his parents three feet away from you. It’s noisy, distracting, and overwhelming, and now there’s a contraction coming on. Your doula is unfazed. She breathes with you through the next contraction as she puts your hair in a ponytail, stashes the pen in her pocket, asks the MA to wait one more minute, and shoots your husband a glance of reassurance. Because doing five things at once is second nature.
2. Bodily fluids don’t bother them. Poop, puke, blood, snot. She has daily contact with at least two of these, maybe more. When you call to say you're in labor, she probably has the marks from some of them on her clothes already. (Don’t worry, she'll change before leaving the house.) Come transition, yours will not gross her out, promise.
3. They are in a constant state of triage. Mothers of young children spend nearly all their waking moments, and some of their sleeping ones, determining what requires immediate attention, what can wait until later, and what’s a lost cause. Your doula doesn’t expect you to have the perfect labor any more than she expects herself to raise perfect children. (If a doula candidate tells you otherwise, run.) Instead, she knows how to prioritize and how to help you do the same. This skill is vital when it comes to understanding your birth plan, translating it into real life, and helping you navigate decisions in labor. Say you want to remain upright and active, but have been advised that your baby needs continuous electronic fetal monitoring. What happens to your plan? Your doula can help you identify the pros and cons of monitoring, brainstorm positions that will work with gravity in spite of limitations, and determine which elements of your preferences still apply and are worth the extra effort. When raising kids, days rarely go according to plan, so your doula is accustomed to working with Plan "B."
4. They are masters of mediation and negotiation. If your birth preferences disagree with hospital protocol, it can be tempting to fall into a mindset of “us versus them.” A contrary attitude can be very detrimental to labor progress, so a good doula will instead emphasize collaboration over conflict. She will help your family and hospital providers work together to achieve the desired outcomes (happy, healthy, empowered parents, not just “healthy mom, healthy baby”), and in doing so she is careful to validate everyone’s feeling and viewpoints without losing sight of the end goal. Some day, when you look back on your labor and feel amazed by your doula’s abilities in this area, you can thank her children that she has the daily opportunity to hone her mediation skills. (Eight times since writing this post’s first sentence, and counting.)
5. Their lifestyles are logistical nightmares, and that should tell you something important. You’re right about one thing: On-call childcare is always stressful. Keeping breast pump pieces washed and ready is a hassle, dropping off a car seat with her spouse is annoying. Missing a child’s performance or big game is heartbreaking. When she comes home, she may be handed a baby or toddler as she's told, “He cried for you all night long.” Oh, and she probably won’t come home after an overnight birth and sleep; that will have to wait. No, living on call while parenting young children is definitely not easy, and there are other jobs that would be much better suited to her stage of life and domestic responsibilities. So if your doula is willing to go to this much trouble, you can rest assured that she is profoundly dedicated to her work and that she really, really, really loves her clients.
The truth is, giving birth is strikingly similar to your upcoming years of mothering: It’s usually chaotic, sometimes stressful, rarely pretty, never easy. You might feel like you’re failing even when you’re not; sometimes, it will feel impossible. But you’ll press through anyway, because forward is the only option. When you do, your doula will be with you. Not just because she’s been there, but because she lives there.